Retirement

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OldUsedParts
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Retirement

Postby OldUsedParts » Fri Jul 20, 2018 2:30 pm

One day a man decided to retire.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...that is until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing but bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here? She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.

"I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.

I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island,

a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.

I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat when he observes before him a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.

The man enters the house in stunned silence as the woman offers to fix him a drink. "No! No thank you," the man blurts out still dazed, I can't

take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After a while, the woman announces, "I am going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave?"

The man goes upstairs to the bathroom and finds a razor made of tortoise bone.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is absolutely amazing," he muses. "What's next?

"When he returns, she greets him wearing little else but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him.

"We've both been here for many months. I am sure you are as lonely as I am.

When was the last time you played around? " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he is hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears well up in his eyes.

"You've actually built a golf course?"
OUP

Beekeeper: Let's do saddle up and go learn that gentleman his manners
Davy Crockett: We won't have to. He's wearing out horses coming towards us
Beekeeper: Guess we can't stop him from coming. But I reckon we can arrange for him to limp going back
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Russ
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Re: Retirement

Postby Russ » Fri Jul 20, 2018 7:09 pm

Stolen

MURDER AT TESCO

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a strange, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However...
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the National press, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR £1.00 At TESCO"

Russ
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Home smoker.

It costs nothing to be nice. A smile goes a long way.
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OldUsedParts
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Re: Retirement

Postby OldUsedParts » Fri Jul 20, 2018 7:46 pm

aaugh.jpeg
aaugh.jpeg (7.75 KiB) Viewed 195 times
OUP

Beekeeper: Let's do saddle up and go learn that gentleman his manners
Davy Crockett: We won't have to. He's wearing out horses coming towards us
Beekeeper: Guess we can't stop him from coming. But I reckon we can arrange for him to limp going back
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TexMike
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Re: Retirement

Postby TexMike » Sun Jul 29, 2018 9:39 pm

Have mercy!

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